Subject: The Physics of Hell
The following is alleged to be an actual question given on a University
of Washington engineering mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the
Professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it
as well.
Bonus Question: IS HELL EXOTHERMIC (GIVES OFF HEAT) OR ENDOTHERMIC
(ABSORBS HEAT)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law,
(i.e., gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant
thereof. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they
are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not
leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
"As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if
you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one
of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
"Now, we can look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell
because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
"This gives two possibilities:
"1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell,
then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
"2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
"So which is it? "
If we now accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during
my Freshman year, ‘...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with
you!’, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having
sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and will not freeze."
The student received the only "A" given.
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